This time last year I was attempting to lure the object of my lust back to me from his Christmas vacation. Promises of unbridled passion only succeeded in making me more aware of how futile and stupid I was allowing myself be about the said object of my lust. The longer we continued to spend time together the more I would become aware that the things that were desirable about our arrangement were the same things that made it fundamentally wrong.
I was liking the fact that I never had to make breakfast, never had to deal with someone wanting to know where I was or what I was doing 7/24, never had to hear the same rants about the same issues over and over again. He never spent the night, never asked what I did when he was not around, and he was always so “busy” that when we managed to have time to spend together it was not wasted on idle chit chat. These “good” things were counterbalanced with the knowledge that I had his cell number and email address to keep in touch but not his home number, that I never seen him on weekends, and that some unfortunate incident always intervened when we would meet socially in a company of our mutual acquaintances. This had been occurring for well over a year and I was finding it harder to ignore that his roommate (who he adamantly assured me was not his wife) was something much more than a roommate.
But I digress, at this time last year I was feeling frustrated and unfulfilled, so I ended up spending New Years Eve at a “singles” event, where I received the adulation of smelly men who sprayed when they spoke, ….into my chest. An event that I returned from wishing even more than before for the company of the object of my lust.
While the object of my lust had caused some distress over the course of 2008 he also provided a distraction from a turmoil at work. It was a year with the promise of cutbacks and layoffs. The mortgage, the taxes, the utilities, the day to day cost of living was within my means so long as my employment…..well continued. In the spring my brother married his love of many years, in the Caribbean. I must confess that it left me bewildered as to why the fates have seemed to deprive me of a happy union and provided me with only an ofttimes attainable object to lust. It felt wrong on such a happy occasion to feel unhappy, but I was. When I returned home I sought a distraction from the overwhelming fact of my spinsterhood and there was the object of my lust to provide that distraction.
Shortly after my return my beloved pet appeared to be limping. His regular vet refered him to a specialised clinic. My worst fear was a dislocated leg. Sometimes life can be even worse that your imagine. He had cancer in the bone of his hind leg. While this was more horrible news than I could imagine I was committed to surgery and rehabilitation would allow him to live happily with me for more years with three legs. For weeks he and I struggled to develop his new life but he did not recuperate and after a million tears I had to accept that he was better off leaving this world.
In spite of my grief , day to day life went on. With its ups and downs, and with the car in front of me stopping unexpectedly, resulting in the end of my paid for car, and a nasty ticket that ended up dragging on for ages because I was convinced to fight the charge. The cost to fight it were more than the ticket, but my driving record was somewhat reprieved. The cost of a decent replacement car incured a loan that will carry on for another year at least.
By the end of 2008 I was heartbroken, staggering with financial hardship, missing the fellowship of friends who had been removed from our place of employment, and missing the company of someone who I was pretty sure was spending Christmas with someone who matters more to him than I ever will.
I was happy to put that year behind me, figuring 2009 could only be better. Until March, when my father died, Until April when the cruelty of my sisters conviction of salvation and damnation cut her from my heart, until June when another beloved pet died, until August when the object of my lust moved away, until November when I cannot bear my disappointment in my brother any longer. Now I realize I was wrong 2009 was much worse than 2008…..dare I tempt the gods by hoping that the comming year can only be better?
